


Happier

by imayoshis



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friendship/Love, M/M, One Shot, moments in time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-03 11:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16324976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imayoshis/pseuds/imayoshis
Summary: [Based on the song Happier by Marshmello & Bastille]Tenzō wants Kakashi to be happier after his retirement from ANBU, so he takes it upon himself to stay away. But sadly, the longer he stays away, the worse Tenzō feels.





	1. Chapter 1

Tenzō stares off into the distance watching the morning sun crawl into the sky. The pinks and oranges break through the dark clouds. He can hear birds chirping signaling the day is truly starting.

The dirt and rocks crunch underneath his shoes as he walks evenly down an empty alley of Konoha. He looks forward, panning to the person in front of him. His lips part wishing to speak, but nothing comes to mind. His mind is completely blank. He glances at the messy silver hair he is so familiar with swaying in the wind. The man before him slouches as if he could feel the weight of the world collapsing on top of him.

Their mission plays like a slideshow behind his eyelids every time he blinks. Dread soon pools into his insides when he recalls the empty gaze his captain gave him. No, empty is not quite the correct description. Misery, sadness? It was quite the opposite of happiness.

He chews on his cheek, pondering on what to do. This situation does not feel right. It hasn’t for awhile. He longs for his captain, no, his best friend, to be happier. Sadly, Tenzō has ran out of ideas long ago. The only thing he continued to attempt was making sure he stood by his side and was there when needed, but this no longer feels effective.

“Kakashi-senpai,” Tenzō whispers. He bites down on his lip, realizing he still does not know what to say.

Kakashi stops and looks back, his eyes showing no interest at all. Tenzō’s heart drops into his stomach. This just does not feel right anymore.

“Not today, Tenzō.” And with that, Kakashi walks away leaving Tenzō in the alley alone.

Lately, Tenzō finds himself wishing he could help Kakashi. He wants Kakashi to smile and laugh, but that was something Tenzō accepted would never happen.

“I want you to be happy.” Tenzō mutters under his breath and turns around to go home.

————

It is irregular to be specifically summoned by the Third Hokage, but Tenzō finds himself kneeled down in front of the elderly man. He holds his head low; his hair curtains his view around him. He keeps his eyes glued to the wooden floor, absorbing in the details of the lines in the boards that swirled in a scribbly mess. He notices the room change to a shade of red, and he quickly concludes that the sun is close to fully setting. To be summoned this late is also strange and slightly unsettling.

“Tenzō, you may remove your mask.” Hiruzen finally speaks.

“Yes, Hokage-sama.” Tenzō removes his mask and places it face up in front of his knees.

“Raise your head. I have a question for you.” His voice is gruff, but not alarming. Tenzō could tell that he is not in trouble, but he still had no clue as to why he is here.

“Yes?” He makes eye contact with Hiruzen. Tenzō can see age settling into his Hokage’s features. More wrinkles define his face, but also show how very tired the man is.

“I have had requests that Kakashi be removed from ANBU.”

“Who requested?” Tenzō snaps before thinking. Worry is already enveloping him at the mere thought of Kakashi leaving. He can’t lose Kakashi. There’s no way.

“I would like to keep their identities a secret, but I wanted your opinion on the matter. I am aware that you have spent many years working by Kakashi’s side, so I wanted to know if you think it would be better for Kakashi to retire from ANBU?” A frown sets deep into his Hiruzen’s face, and Tenzō is hit with a pang of guilt.

“What... would he do if he leaves?” Tenzō loosens his posture a tad.

“I plan to give him a genin team to train and care for. He will become a Jōnin Sensei. It has been suggested for him to help him emotionally, because it seems ANBU has worn him down.” Hiruzen lets out a small cough before continuing. “I’m sure you can see where this is going. I want to know if you believe him leaving ANBU will help him?”

“To make him happier?” Tenzō bites down on his tongue, trying desperately to keep his face expressionless.

“That could be another way to put it. Yes.”

Tenzō drops his head. He feels so on the spot about this question, but he cannot help but be angry at himself. He has wanted to make Kakashi happy for what feels like forever, but it seems he cannot. He was not quite sure if making Kakashi a Jōnin Sensei will make him happy, but getting him out of ANBU will surely be the best option for him.

He wants to be selfish. He wants to say Kakashi is fine and he doesn’t need to leave, but that would be wrong. He wants nothing more than Kakashi to be happier, so he swallows his pride and speaks, “Yes, I think him leaving ANBU is a good idea.”

————

Unsurprisingly, Tenzō finds Kakashi standing at the monument stone at the crack of dawn. Kakashi can be found here religiously, and Tenzō somehow can tell the man is not improving. The plan was that Kakashi become a Jōnin Sensei, but he has yet to accept a genin team.

Tenzō is admittedly a tad irritated about it. He cannot remember the last time he really talked to his former captain, nor does he remember what they spoke of. He cannot take back his decision. It is too late for that, and he would surely drop dead if Kakashi ever finds out that he played a role in his removal from ANBU.

He is unsure how long he has watched Kakashi stand there, but he knows he should not be here. The thought of leaving has spun around his head for thirty minutes, but something keeps him frozen there. Maybe his wish to talk to Kakashi? Maybe his loneliness? Or maybe the fact that he finally, after so many years, realized how he truly feels about Kakashi.

“Tenzō?” Kakashi asks, but his eyes remain on the monument. His voice sounds no different than it was before, which made Tenzō’s blood run cold.

He takes a step back. Granted, they were only a few meters away, but now, Tenzō wishes to make the gap grow. Truth be told, Tenzō did not want Kakashi to see him either. He is part of ANBU, so he took it upon himself to stay away to not remind Kakashi of his past. He got careless.

He notices his former captain straighten his back and begin to turn around, and Tenzō starts running in the direction away from Kakashi. Tenzō cannot face him. If he is being selfish, so be it. He wants to protect Kakashi from the dark past of ANBU even if it means sacrificing their friendship.

————

Tenzō walks down the winding hallway of the Hokage building. He stares intently at a scroll he holds in his hand. It is details to a mission he will have to go on in a few days, but sadly, his focus is elsewhere. He prays he can get his head on straight by the time of the departure.

Word travels fast and of course, it did not take long for him to find out about Kakashi’s mission with his genin team where they ran into Zabuza of the Seven Swordsmen. He remembers how panicked he was when he first found out, and he really has not been able to think about anything else since. He knows he should just go visit Kakashi to know the full details, but he doesn’t want to know.

He fears his heart might break if he sees Kakashi now. His feelings have not changed at all, and the longer he is away from Kakashi, the more he suffers. He just keeps telling himself that he must stay away. He wants Kakashi to be happy even if it means he cannot be there.

He shoves the scroll in his back pouch and stops for a moment to recollect his thoughts. His dreams make his nights feel so restless. His days are caught in mid reality. Time is standing still and moving at the speed of light at the same time. Two years have passed since Kakashi left, and Tenzō has possibly only had maybe three conversations with Kakashi that feel like yesterday but at the same time, an eternity has passed since he heard Kakashi’s voice.

Somewhere in him, he knows their relationship and friendship they had is gone. He is the only person to blame for this though, and he is utterly aware. It is almost excruciating. He thought distancing himself would save himself the pain, and sometimes, he is right. He has sometimes gone weeks where the man never crosses his mind, but when he remembers, he is suddenly conscience of the hole in his heart that was created when Kakashi left.

A boy in orange running past him breaks him out of his stupor. Another boy in blue runs past him next.

“Hehe, last one there is a rotten egg!” The boy in orange shouts while laughing.

“You’re so annoying!” The boy in blue yells as he catches up.

Tenzō stares in the direction they ran off in, which is up the hall towards the Hokage office. He blinks slowly wondering if he really saw what just happened.

“I don’t know why they have to make everything a competition.” A girl’s voice behind him makes him snap his head back. The girl had long pink hair and wore red.

Tenzō’s eyes rake over to the person walking next to her. In Jōnin blues and flak jacket, Kakashi Hatake only sighs in response to the girl. Tenzō’s heart sinks when they pass him as if he was not there at all.

It hurt more than most things Tenzō has felt, and he honestly has gone through some painful events in his life. This hurt in a different way though. A flesh wound is different than this.

He stares at Kakashi’s back for a few seconds until he decides he should just leave. He goes back to walking down the hall, but he couldn’t fight the thought that only for a moment, he swore Kakashi looked like he was about to look back.

————

Tenzō walks past a few people while eyeing his grocery list. He wants to scold himself for forgetting to get food, but it was probably for the best to get everything after returning from his mission. He yawns and folds the paper up neatly before shoving it into his pocket.

He looks around to absorb in his surroundings, noticing that he zoned in on his list too much. He looks up to his right to see a Ramen shop. He frowns. He wonders if this is the famous ramen shop so many people like going to. He is not quite fond of ramen, so he always felt like an outsider when people talked about this place.

Laughter reaches him from inside. It sounded like a young boy.

“I can’t believe Kakashi-Sensei is treating us to ramen today! Must be my lucky day!” Tenzō could hear the person snickering.

“Why do you always have to yell?” Sounded like another boy, but very irritated.

“It’s kind of cool to have ramen with Kakashi-Sensei, don’t you think, Sasuke?” A girl’s voice this time.

“I think it’s cool, Sakura!” The first boy who spoke exclaims.

“I wasn’t talking to you, Naruto!”

Tenzō quickly concludes the loud boy is Naruto, the second boy is Sasuke, and the girl is Sakura. Considering them mentioning ‘Kakashi-Sensei’, it is a safe assumption Kakashi is with them.

“Are you going to eat too, Kakashi-Sensei?” The boisterous boy from before speaks again but his voice is many decibels lower. A hint of sadness was noticeable in the question. Tenzō assumes the boy must be upset from being yelled at.

“No, I’m fine. I will eat later. Just be happy I am treating you.” Kakashi speaks and Tenzō already has butterflies in his stomach. When did he become so jittery around this man? He used to feel so comfortable around him that at times he used to compare Kakashi to home. That realization quickly killed those butterflies.

“Oh! That’s right! I’m going to eat so much!” The boy bounces back, obviously in bright spirits again.

“Hey, Naruto, I am only paying for one bowl, not six.”

“Awwww!”

And Tenzō finally hears the sound he prayed for for so many years. Laughter. Kakashi’s laughter. Surprisingly, it stung. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, and he frowns. He looks forward again and starts walking with his hands jammed into his pockets.

Kakashi is happy, and that was the only thing that mattered. Why did it not feel right?

————

The day is gloomy and angry clouds cover the sky. The sun could barely fight its way through to illuminate the world. Tenzō stands in the company of many, all dressed in black. The third has been killed in battle, and many fear for the future. The Sand and Sound attacking the village left a plague of sadness and worry over everyone.

Tenzō wonders what will become of ANBU until there’s a fifth hokage. Who will they follow? Who will give them orders? The only person he could think of was Danzō and the mere thought made bile climb up his esophagus.

An elbow bumps him and he barely glances at who did it. He did not want to think today, let alone converse with anyone.

“I’m worried too.” Yugao’s voice which was barely a whisper, caught his attention.

He turns his head slightly, not willing to fully look at her. Hayate had passed in all of this, and he did not feel right to say anything.

“We will make it through this.” Tenzō mutters. It was the only thing he could think of saying, because what else could he have said right now? He swallows roughly before speaking again, “I’m sorry for your loss.” The sentiment is late and sort of unnecessary, and he can tell with her pained expression.

“It’s like you said. We will make it through this.” Her eyes are red, and it is clear that she has been crying. Tenzō is sure that today won’t be the last day of mourning for her either, but he won’t comment on it.

They stay silent for a while among the crowd. Tenzō has to fight his urge to leave early. He has to clench and unclench his jaw over and over just to keep a straight face. The sorrow that surrounded him made it difficult for him. It only cemented his worries on who will become next in line for Hokage.

“I saw Kakashi-senpai before coming here. He was at the monument stone since dawn.” Yugao speaks slowly, and Tenzō feels the hole in his heart rip back open.

In all of this chaos, not a single time did Kakashi cross his mind. After everything they have gone through, can Tenzō even say Kakashi is a friend anymore?

For a moment, he wondered if Kakashi is happier. Just for today, Tenzō will accept Kakashi is not.

————

Tenzō stares into his glass at the amber liquid. He stumbled into the bar about an hour ago and only took one sip of his drink. He had a plan to get completely plastered to help force himself to forget the mission he returned from. The plan backfired.

He could not bring himself to drink. He did not deserve to forget.

His muscles ache and his limbs are screaming in pain. The agony racking throughout his body practically begged for him to poison himself into a drunken stupor. Even so, he could not do it.

Lately, it has been harder to hide from his problems as if his brain refuses to let him shy away from everything. He wished every day that he could just turn it all off. He did not want to feel anymore. He did not want to think.

He wakes up every morning engulfed in loneliness. It got easier to accept, but missions make him hyper aware of his lack of friendships he built. Yeah, he can talk to anyone and be a social butterfly when needed, but at the end of the day, he is alone.

He only has himself to blame. He keeps everyone at arm’s length, refusing to let anyone in. There is only one existing person in this world that he accepted, but that person is gone.

He downs the rest of the drink when he finally finds his willpower to wipe his slate clean tonight. There will be no one waiting for him at home, so he might as well.

Before he could ask for another drink, a tap on his shoulder distracts him. Still on edge from the events prior, he jerks away from the sudden touch and snaps his head back. This fast motion also alerted him of his growing headache that only got worse as the hours passed.

He locks eyes with one tired grey eye. Kakashi. Seeing his senpai while at his lowest was the last thing he ever wanted to happen, but he silently thanks himself for not getting drunk - yet.

“Long time no see, Tenzō.” Kakashi’s eye curls up into that pleasant grin Tenzō has caught glimpses of from afar, but never up close. That face only reminded him of his loneliness all over again.

Kakashi was lucky to get out. Kakashi got a fresh new start with an easy life now. He has friends that are all Jōnin-Sensei like him and has kids who admire him. It was the life Kakashi deserved all along. Tenzō always wanted that for his senpai. He wanted Kakashi to be happier.

Tenzō is happy for him, but at the same time, why is he so miserable? Kakashi gets everything he should have gotten, but why is Tenzō alone? Why did he have to sacrifice his own happiness for Kakashi? Why did he do this?

And only for a minute, he wished he changed his mind three years ago when the Hokage offered Kakashi’s removal from ANBU. It was quite possibly the most selfish thought he had in a long time, but there was no denying it. He does not like this.

“Can I sit with you?” Kakashi asks, but he is already sitting next to him. Tenzō scoffs at the question. There was absolutely no point in asking such a question if he already did it.

“Yeah,” Tenzō grumbles quietly while fidgeting with his glass.

He remembers when seeing Kakashi made his heart swell and he wanted nothing but to make Kakashi smile. The purest kind of love.

But, those feelings wilted like a flower that neared the ends of its life. He cannot even say they share any bond anymore, and somehow, that hurt the most.

“Bad day?” Kakashi nudges him.

“Bad week maybe. Bad month... bad year...” His body is sliding off the uncomfortable stool he is on. He wants to just go home, but some outside force keeps him there.

“Why’s that?” Kakashi’s response was not something Tenzō expected. He remembers when he would be upset and Kakashi would agree. Kakashi would understand.

_Does he not understand anymore?_

“You know, ANBU stuff. I can’t tell you.” It was not entirely a lie. ANBU dragged him down on the worst of days, but to say that is the whole reason to why he is so empty inside... maybe it was not the complete truth either.

“Yeah, it doesn’t get any easier out of it either.” Kakashi rests his elbow on the bar.

This statement did not settle right in Tenzō. To be honest, it angered him. As far as Tenzō is concerned, anything is easier than ANBU. To not be plagued with killing constantly sounds like a dream.

Kakashi has everything. Everything. How can he just sit down next to him and say it does not get easier? What the fuck?

“Oh, please,” Tenzō whispers under his breath and grips his glass to keep his composure. Kakashi does not understand anymore. He did not even know who this Kakashi is.

“Hm?” Kakashi hums, seeming to not notice Tenzō boiling over.

“How can you say it’s not easier for you? You have all these new Jōnin friends, and students that admire you and think you’re cool. You get easy missions, and you’re not expected to kill every fucking time. That shit is easier and you know it.” The glass cracks in his hand and he releases it from his grip. Maybe he should have gotten drunk earlier.

“Just because the expectations of me are easier that doesn’t mean life is better.” Kakashi’s tone changed. That grin from earlier is also gone.

“It should be. That’s what was supposed to happen. You were made to leave ANBU so you would be happier. It’s clear that you are, so I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me.” Tenzō raises his voice a tad, but it did not draw any attention to them.

“It would have been easier to mindlessly kill for the rest of my life than be known as a failure of a Jōnin-Sensei. At least in ANBU, I was never expected to be anything good. Those kids are off training under new people, and one of them is a missing ninja who joined Orochimaru. I can’t do a single thing in my life right. I don’t know why everyone expected that things would work out if they just give me three dumb kids to take care of.” Kakashi starts ranting, and Tenzō can feel himself shrinking. Kakashi has never once raised his voice at him, so this was something Tenzō was not prepared for.

He knows his anger was misplaced, but God, at this very moment, he wished he could just disappear. If only he could take everything he said back and convince himself to never waltz straight into this bar. He should have gone home. He shouldn’t be here.

“You were the only person who actually understood me. I feel out of place with the other Jōnin. They act like they have no care in the world. I don’t fit in.” Kakashi continues. He then shoves himself up and turns towards the exit. “I don’t need to explain myself. Maybe I was wrong about you, Tenzō.”

Tenzō spins around, but Kakashi is already gone. He drops his head accepting defeat. He is still angry, but now, he is angry at himself. None of this was supposed to happen. Why did everything have to change? Why did they change?

————

Tenzō walks aimlessly through the village. He just left the hospital because of an injury he obtained during training. Accidentally dislocating his shoulder and ending up with his arm in a sling is not how he wanted this month to go, but here he is. The doctors said he should be able to return to normal activities within the next two weeks, but he knows he will be off duty for even longer.

He did not like the idea, but he was careless. Not much else he can do but wait for it to heal.

He hears yelling off to his right, and curiosity gets the better of him. He heads towards the direction to see who is causing such a ruckus in the middle of the day.

He turns a corner and a man in a green jumpsuit shakes another Jōnin violently comes into view. The closer Tenzō got, the more he could see the other person. When he saw the messy silver hair, his stomach drops.

_Kakashi._

The last person he wants to see, and he did good spending about six months avoiding the man like the plague. He has only caught small glimpses of the man once in a while and high tailed it out of the area. And like habit now, he feels the immediate need to get far away from here.

“Come on, how about a race around the village on our hands today!? What do you say, Ka-ka-shi!?” The man enunciates every syllable of Kakashi’s name loudly.

“Not today, Gai.” Kakashi answers, sounding very unenthusiastic in comparison to the other man.

“Hmm, something else then, my dear rival!?” Gai is practically bellowing down the street. Everyone around can probably hear him crystal clear.

“Not today, Gai.” Kakashi shoves himself past Gai as if the man no longer exists.

Tenzō looks back at Gai, noticing his expression changed drastically. He looked positively ecstatic a moment ago, but he now looks like the most serious man in the world.

Tenzō finally glances at Kakashi, and Kakashi is looking dead at him. Seems Tenzō was not a discreet as he usually is. Kakashi takes a step in his direction, and Tenzō reels back. He spins on his heel and starts running away as fast as possible.

This is foolish. To become this low frustrated him to the ends of the Earth and back. He has to face Kakashi eventually, right? That thought alone is debatable. Their friendship is dead now, so what is the point in trying to fix something that is not there?

Tenzō stops in his tracks with his eyes downward. How did he end up like this? Pathetic. Originally, he just wanted the one person he loved most to be happy even if it meant he had to leave their life. It worked - for the most part anyway. Kakashi is better. And Tenzō, well, Tenzō is not.

————

The rumors of the legendary Team 7 hit full course again when Naruto Uzumaki returned to Konoha recently. Kakashi got his team back after two and half years. Well, the only one missing is Sasuke Uchiha still. Tenzō noticed the boy had been added to their bingo book, and his heart ached for Kakashi. Even after so many years, he still has room to care about the wrongdoings that occurred in Kakashi’s life.

The sadness is different now though. It is similar to thinking of an old friend and wishing the best for them, but also no longer caring if you never speak to them again. He sometimes wonders when his feelings disappeared, but he does not stop to dwell on it anymore. Kakashi is important to his past self and that will always be true, but his current self is no longer dependent on that man. It is freeing somehow.

He closes his locker door with a quiet clang. Two other ANBU members enter the locker room, conversing about something in great detail. One with long blond hair speaks louder than the other who had short spiky black hair.

“Did you hear Kakashi’s team is in charge of going after the Kazekage?” The blond asks while pulling his locker open.

“Yeah, they’ve been gone for some time now. They should be back any day.” The black-haired man responds as he drops onto the bench.

“Watch Kakashi collapse and end up in the hospital again. He’s completely careless.”

“Sounds exactly like him. Hopefully, he doesn’t die doing something stupid.”

“It’s surprising that he isn’t dead yet.”

“He really shouldn’t be allowed to have a team if he can’t even take care of himself.”

“Isn’t that why he got kicked out of ANBU? I joined after and people said that he was a shitty captain.”

“Ha! Maybe. I joined after he left too.” The guy on the bench laughs at his friend’s question. Well, Tenzō assumes they’re friends.

Tenzō rolls his eyes in frustration hearing their conversation. They don’t know a damn thing, but they all just talk like they do.

“Kakashi was a great captain and ANBU member. Don’t talk like you know the man when you clearly don’t.” Tenzō scowls at them.

“Sorry,” the blond looks away sheepishly until inevitably hiding his head in his locker.

“That’s not what I heard. I know you were his favorite though. Of course, you will say anything to protect the guy. He doesn’t deserve it though.” The black-haired man retorts. The comment, to be frank, pissed Tenzō the hell off.

“Kakashi is an honorable shinobi, and I won’t have you dragging his name through the mud.” Tenzō crosses his arms over his chest trying to stand his ground. Why the hell did he just cause an argument? This is only more trouble for him in the long run.

“Whatever,” the guy backs down. He must have also seen this will only be wasted time.

Tenzō huffs and storms grumpily out of the locker room with only one thought on his mind. Was he really Kakashi’s favorite?

If so...

“What have I done?” He whispers heart broken by this realization.

————

Tenzō was never fond of hospitals, and that might be why he is rarely in one. They are always so cold and the smell gets to him. But... the place is just depressing. Too many memories of him dragging a half dead Kakashi through these walls after almost every single dangerous mission always comes to the surface.

Surprisingly enough, he is in a hospital room staring at Kakashi who is bedridden. He has been given the task to take over Team 7 because of Naruto’s situation with the nine tails. Jiraiya and Tsunade already gave him the run down on everything he must know and excused themselves. This left Tenzō and Kakashi awkwardly alone together for the first time in a long time.

It was easy at first to keep up appearances and smile through everything when asked if he is comfortable working for Team 7. Simply put, he is not comfortable. He knew this day will come eventually where he would need to work with the Jinchūriki, but he hoped he would have fixed things with Kakashi by now. 

_Is it too late?_

He purses his lips and digs his nails into his palms from clenching his hands a little too tight. He is dying to speak, but he also wants to leave as fast as he can. His eyes are everywhere else, but Kakashi. Looking out the window at the hustle and bustle of the village. Peering at the foot of the bed. His gaze finally settles onto the ground.

“I should probably head out as well.” Tenzō says somewhat hoping Kakashi will stop him. 

“If you wish.” Kakashi reaches towards a book on his night stand, not even sparing Tenzō a glance.

Tenzō cannot cover his frown. The apathy Kakashi has towards him nearly killed him where he stands. Tenzō would be shocked if it wasn’t for the fact that he expected the worst from this situation.

“Tenzō,” Kakashi sits the book on his lap and turns his head toward Tenzō.

The man has definitely aged over the years, and Tenzō only feels shame at how much time has passed since they were actually close.

“Since we will most likely have to work together again, do you think it’ll be a good idea if we stop avoiding each other?”

“W-We?” Tenzō stammers at the accusation. He had a feeling for a while now that Kakashi knew he was avoiding him, but to say we? Doesn’t that imply Kakashi is also avoiding him?

“Yes, as in we are both avoiding each other. I’m not stupid.”

“I... didn’t know you were avoiding me.” This new knowledge just left him dumbfounded. How the hell could he never notice such a thing? Was he too busy running away from Kakashi that it was simply impossible to tell Kakashi was doing the exact same thing? That had to be it.

“Oh, well... maybe I shouldn’t have assumed.” Kakashi starts to thumb through his book idly almost hinting that he wants to back out of this confrontation.

Tenzō really would let Kakashi get away with announcing that they are avoiding each other, but he cannot move. Millions of questions are flying through his head all begging to come out. Since when was Kakashi avoiding him? For how long? How the hell did he not notice? What did he do for Kakashi to do that? It’s never ending, but there is one question that is burning through his skull.

“Why?” One word shook him to his very core. Why? Why would Kakashi not want to be around him? Why did they end up like this? Why did this happen? Why? Why? _WHY?_

The damn word stopped sounding real the more it repeated in his thoughts. This inevitably led to billions of more questions. How could this happen? To think he did all of this to make Kakashi happier, and Kakashi did not even want anything to do with him anyway.

Just his luck, right? But maybe if it was for the best. Kakashi didn’t want him. It only made sense for Tenzō to leave. Tenzō only wanted Kakashi to be happy, and it seems he achieved his goal.

_Why did it hurt so fucking much?_

“We aren’t the same anymore. I’m not the same anymore.” Kakashi whispers. This answer was not sufficient enough for Tenzō though.

“Did I do something wrong?” His voice cracks and he bites his tongue in anger. The taste of iron quickly fills his mouth, but he did not care.

“No, you didn’t. I just did not think the new me would make you happier.”

What?

“I thought you would be happier if I was not in the picture. We don’t relate to each other like we used to. It took me awhile to realize that I didn’t know you anymore, but when I finally figured it out... I had to leave.” Kakashi continues.

Tenzō could not believe what he was hearing. How could Kakashi think any of that? No way in hell would he be happier if Kakashi just fucking left. Tenzō should know. He’s Tenzō and he already suffered through Kakashi being gone. Amazingly enough, five years have passed and he is still not completely content with the idea of it all. It doesn’t hurt like it used to, but God, it did not fucking make him happy. If anything, it did the extreme opposite. It made him miserable.

“You not being in my life didn’t particularly make me feel better.” Tenzō scrunches up his face as he tries to form a complete thought without sounding like an absolute sap.

“Oh,” Kakashi blinks at him. “Then why were you avoiding me?”

“I uh...” Tenzō should have been prepared for this moment, but now, finding a way to explain himself seemed nearly impossible. “I thought that since ANBU made you worse... seeing me wouldn’t make you happy, so I stayed away because I wanted you to get better.”

Hearing himself say this almost sounds idiotic at this point. Yeah, the idea was probably a good one years ago, but at this current moment in time, he really had no idea what he was thinking back then. The more this unfolds, the more stupid everything appears.

Tenzō is almost immediately aware that Kakashi might actually be thinking the exact same thing as well, because the man snorts in his direction and has to try to muffle his laughter for the next solid minute.

“What’s so funny?” Tenzō nearly kicks himself hearing the whine in his voice. He is most certainly an adult, but he feels like an embarrassed child.

“It’s just that...” Kakashi pauses to smile at him which makes Tenzō’s heart skip a beat - a sensation that he thought was long gone. “We both thought being away from each other would make us happy, but it didn’t.”

When Kakashi puts it that way, it makes sense to laugh. It nearly left Tenzō speechless. None of this could have happened if they actually stopped and talked to each other. Absolutely incredible. 

“You know, ANBU was not great, but seeing you doesn’t make me upset about it. Actually, you are the only good thing that came out of it which makes me not regret joining ANBU.” Kakashi takes in a deep breath and breathes out loudly. “Those days were hell, but I had you. You reminded me that I wasn’t alone. That made things not as bad as they could have been” A faint pink rises above his mask and he starts aggressively scratching the back of his head. Tenzō nearly forgot how Kakashi could be when it came to talking about their feelings, but he can’t blame him. Tenzō is also feeling a tad overwhelmed. 

“I think… that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” A smile tugs at his cheeks and he is certain that his face is red. Maybe he is a little more than overwhelmed. He is positively smitten over this man. Assuming he was completely over Kakashi was probably the wrong way to go about everything. 

“Really?” Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him, but it is clear that he is genuinely smiling even behind that mask of his.

“Yeah, actually.” Tenzō fidgets for a moment before continuing to speak again. “Urm, I know I said I should head out, but would it be alright if I stick around a little longer? There is a lot I want to talk to you about.”

“Yeah, I would like that.” Kakashi’s eyes curve up into a grin making Tenzō melt. 

Even though Tenzō wishes these past few years could have been done differently, for the first time in many years a simple thought crossed his mind which made him all the more thankful for this day and that thought was, _‘I am happier.’_


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi stands quietly with his hand grasped around the door knob to his apartment. How much time has passed since he reached home? Five minutes? Ten minutes? Thirty? It did not seem too long ago that he left Tenzō in that empty alleyway. The sun was barely rising then, but now, it perches above the horizon and the sky is a crystal blue.

He is tired. A simple description that does not fully convey his actual feelings in this very moment, but if anyone were to ask why he did not enter his apartment for such a great length of time... well, he is tired.

Kakashi turns the knob, and pushes the door open. He practically stumbles inside, not realizing that his legs have gone numb. The door slams shut once he is securely inside. He longs to rip his clothes off where he stands, but his feet drag him to his room, ensuring that he is close to his bed. It is best to drop somewhere that is not his living room floor anyway.

His eyes lock onto two picture frames that sit just above his pillows on his bed. One, a picture of his old team that has aged almost a decade. The second shows him next to Tenzō that was maybe only five years old, possibly more. His brain did not have the ability to count the actual years.

It was easy to argue those photos captured a simpler time in his life. Sometimes Kakashi believed the thought, and on days like these, it is the only thing that he thought was true.

Remembering his old team with Minato, Obito, and Rin is bittersweet. His young self never knew the cruelty of the world just yet. Losing his father was the only darkness in his heart back then, and it seemed that his life continued to go down hill ever since. Obito’s death... then Rin’s... then Minato-Sensei... it was almost as if he had a curse that plagued everyone who got close.

Kakashi reaches out and grabs the picture next to his team. Tenzō and him were so much younger, captured frozen in time together. Somehow, they were able to smile years ago. They knew the horrors of humanity, but they found each other and made it okay. Yeah, life was filled with bloodshed, but they were not alone.

Sadly, it just does not feel the same anymore.

————

Kakashi lies on his couch while holding his book above his face. He has read this book time and time again, so that might be why he is unable to focus on it.

His mind is elsewhere. The pages could be blank and he probably would not even notice. All he could think about is the fact that he is no longer in ANBU and expected to become a Jōnin Sensei. He honestly did not want to stay in ANBU, but this was not particularly the direction he wanted to go in. He did not want students of his own. The mere thought of it made him uncomfortably anxious, and Kakashi is not the type to get anxious over such petty things.

He did not have a clue on what he even wants in his team. Surely, it cannot be like his old team with Minato Sensei. His team perishing one by one is something he cannot relive. Why on Earth was he supposed to do this? He is not... what a good Sensei should be. He is not what a good ninja should be.

There’s no way he can do this. He is Kakashi of the Sharingan, friend-killer Kakashi, cold blooded Kakashi, copy ninja Kakashi. He is not Kakashi-Sensei. He cannot be a Sensei, there is just no possible way that he would ever be good at it.

Teaching is not his calling. If it were, he would be working behind a desk at the academy, so this did not feel right to him. Killing is the only thing he knows, what could he possibly teach three genin fresh out of the Academy?

Pakkun pads into the room with his signature frown on his face. Kakashi could tell the pug wants to say something, and he is already aware he won’t want to hear it.

“What are you sulking about, Boss?” The dog jumps onto the couch and walks on top of him, standing on Kakashi’s chest. It was rather awkward having Pakkun’s paws all jabbing into him, but thankfully, Pakkun lies down evening out his weight.

“Why does everyone think that me becoming a Sensei is better for me?” Kakashi asks without fully answering Pakkun’s question.

“Well, it could be better for you. ANBU has been harder on you lately. Becoming a Jōnin Sensei and teaching is a different setting. A change might be good.” Pakkun tilts his head a tad while he spoke.

Kakashi wanted to disagree, but Pakkun may be right. Trying something new does not mean it is the end of the world, but that also does not mean he has to enjoy it either.

But for now, he will accept the answer he got and hope this is the best course of action. The only thing that still bothered him is the fact that everyone else thinks they know what is best for him. Shouldn’t he know what is best? 

———

Kakashi opens his eyes, staring into deep pools of brown. He recognized these eyes anywhere. They were carved into the deepest depths of his mind that haunted him every time he tries to sleep.

The face in front of him began to clear, and his heart drops into his stomach. The smile that always remained was not there. A soft frown replaces this permanent smile as blood trickles out of the corners of her mouth. Kakashi did not want to see this. He has seen it countless times and the hell continues day in and day out. When will he be free from his sins? Is this God’s punishment for his inadequacy? He could not save the one person he promised to protect, but did he really need to suffer this much?

Her lips slowly part, and he sees what is coming. He did not want to hear her voice. He can’t hear it.

“No! No! No!” He screams begging her to not say a thing. Anything but this.

“Ka... ka... shi...” Her voice is hoarse and blood splatters onto his face with every syllable.

“Please, Rin! Stop!” Kakashi pulls his hands up against his ears trying with all his might to block out her voice. He drops to his knees and she disappears, but her voice echoes all around him.

“Kakashi... Kakashi...” It was endless and impossible to stop. He digs his fingers into his hair as he pushes his hands harder against his ears. The effort was fruitless, he could still hear her as if she was in his head.

“Stop!” He screams and suddenly, he is sitting upright in his bed with Pakkun staring at him near his feet. It was just a dream. It’s always just a dream.

“Are you alright, Boss?” Pakkun asks, his drooping eyes locked on him.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Kakashi mumbles. His throat burned and he could barely catch his breath. He shakily pushes the blankets off of him and crawls out of bed.

He did not want to stay here any longer. No force in the world can convince him to go back to sleep. The risk of seeing her again was too great.

Without processing his own movements, Kakashi had a picture frame in his hand. He looks at the photo of him with Tenzō, and his heart yearns for the man. Almost robotically, he sets the picture back down and makes the decision to go to Tenzō. It is probably late and the man is most likely not awake, but Kakashi knows Tenzō would let him in.

Tenzō always lets him in, and he felt it is safe to assume that he always will.

Kakashi has not seen him in months, but right now, he needs to be with Tenzō. He is the only one that understands after all.

“Where are you going?” Pakkun yawns letting out a dog like whine.

“I want to see Tenzō.” Kakashi states calmly. It was the only thing that made sense to him right now, besides the fact that he did not want to sleep. His body is still shaking as he walks out of the room and he slides his hand along the wall to keep himself steady. Clearly, he is not in any shape to leave home, but he will be damned if he stays alone tonight.

“It’s late. Do you really want to bother him at this hour?” Pakkun calls from the room, but he sounds miles away.

“I need to see him.” Kakashi whispers, unsure on if he is convincing himself this or Pakkun.

He staggers into the living room with his eyes glued to the door. The sound of Pakkun jumping off the bed and his nails clicking against the hard wood floor penetrate his ears, but he continues to the exit.

“Boss, it’s late. I’ll stay with you if you don’t want to be alone. Let’s go back to bed.” Pakkun settles in front of Kakashi trying to block his path.

“I... okay,” Kakashi did not have the energy to argue with Pakkun tonight. Yes, he wants to see Tenzō, but at the back of his mind, he feared that it’s been too long that they haven’t spoken and Tenzō would not be as accepting to him showing up unannounced. He looks back down the hall into his room and sighs. It is probably good to stay home.

Surely, by morning he will feel better, and have the strength to leave. By daybreak, he will fall back into his old habits before he met Tenzō.

“Pakkun, wake me up at sunrise. I want to go visit the memorial stone.”

————

Returning from the Land of Waves was an exhausting journey and the mission that accompanied it was more than exhausting. To put it simply, it was dreadful. Haku’s death broke a wall in Kakashi’s brain that he spent so many years trying to build. Memories of Rin danced around his head at every second of the day and sadly, night.

Keeping up appearances around his students came easier than expected, but Sakura is the only one who is catching on. Luckily, Sasuke is enough distraction for her to forget every time she notices that something is off.

After everything that happened on their mission, Kakashi is actually surprised that his genin bounced back so quickly as if the entire experience simply did not happen. Even now, Naruto and Sasuke are bickering over something Kakashi does not care to find out what. They should be heading to the Hokage office in peace, but silence is a delicacy that he lost when he accepted this team.

“I hope we get a super cool mission!” Naruto yells while pumping his arms in the air. Just watching the boy at times drains Kakashi’s energy.

“Last time you wanted a super cool mission, we almost died. No thanks.” Sasuke grumbles and shoves past Naruto. Kakashi rolls his eyes already predicting the next turn of events that will inevitably follow.

“You almost died. I was fine.” Naruto shoves Sasuke and starts speed walking ahead of him.

Just as expected, the boys proceeded to push each other and speeding ahead. Within seconds, they were both running up the hall and out of sight.

“I don’t know why they have to make everything a competition.” Sakura states, clearly annoyed. Kakashi would probably feel the same way if he was not already used to such behavior from Obito and himself when they were young.

He lets out a heavy sigh in a way to respond to Sakura without speaking. The boys are tiresome, and might always be. The future ahead of him seems as much as a struggle as ANBU.

“Sensei, do you know that guy?” Sakura whispers with her hand blocking the side of her mouth.

“Know who?” He raises an eyebrow at her. He really had no idea who she was talking about.

“That guy we walked passed. He was staring at you.” Sakura looks back making Kakashi turn to look as well, but no one was there. “Well, there was a guy there...”

“What did he look like?” Kakashi had a feeling that she was yanking his chain because it is unlike him to not notice someone watching him, but might as well humor her a little.

“He had short brown hair and um a happuri?” Sakura glances back again. Kakashi assumes that she probably thinks she saw a ghost. The description only fit one person he knows, and that may be why Kakashi did not notice him. That is, if it is the person he believes it is, but it still did not add up.

_How could he not notice Tenzō though?_

———

The first part of the Chūnin Exams have come and gone. Luckily, Kakashi’s team passed the written test. It almost surprised him when he found out Naruto had made it, but all the pieces fell together when Naruto admitted to turning in his test blank. The boy really did remind him so much of Obito.

But to celebrate them passing, Kakashi agreed to treating them to lunch just this once. After Naruto chanting, “Ramen,” for the millionth time, his team found themselves at Ichiraku with little to no protest.

To say Kakashi is happy is an understatement though. He could never believe he would be this proud of his students, but they prove him wrong every chance they get. Of course, he is going to do his best to cover it before they get a big head about it.

Kakashi had his face buried into his book while Naruto and Sakura bicker about something that he does not care to listen to. Probably something petty, or possibly about Sasuke. Either way, Kakashi was not interested in listening.

“Are you going to eat too, Kakashi-Sensei?” Naruto nudges him and tries to peak around his book making his face visible.

Kakashi glances at him. He did not particularly want to eat here. He already had plans to make food at home after this anyway.

“No, I’m fine. I will eat later. Just be happy I am treating you.” He narrows his vision to his book, trying his hardest to not make eye contact with Naruto. Who knows what that boy will try to convince him to do if he budges.

“Oh! That’s right! I’m going to eat so much!” Naruto swings back to his bowl and snickers.

“Hey, Naruto, I am only paying for one bowl, not six.” This time, Kakashi sets his book down as anxiety builds at the thought of letting Naruto eat multiple bowls of ramen. The price would be horrendous.

“Awwww!” Naruto pouts out his bottom lip, returning to eating his ramen. Somehow, the gesture reminded him of Obito. Pouting was probably one of the only things Obito was great at, but Naruto could probably beat him no doubt.

A small laugh escapes Kakashi’s lips, but inevitably chuckles at Naruto’s reaction. Something like that would have irritated him when he was younger, but now, it gives him a sentimental feeling. Those two would have gotten along well.

“Hmm, that’s odd. I thought a man was going to come in, but it seems he left.” The old man who served their ramen spoke while staring passed them. This comment peaked Kakashi’s interest. He, for no reason in particular, wondered who could be standing outside watching them. Maybe it was paranoia from his ANBU days, but better be safe than sorry, right?

He pushes himself up off the stool he was sitting on, and slips outside without saying anything. Chances are, if he says he will step outside, his students will make a fuss which is something he does not want to deal with.

Kakashi walks out into the street, and his eyes automatically catch who was standing outside. Tenzō. This realization was like poison spreading through his veins. He has been dying to talk to Tenzō, but every single time, it was like they barely miss each other. Would it be strange to chase after him now?

Sasuke nudges him, nearly making Kakashi jump. It surprised him to not notice someone approach him, let alone his own student. Was Tenzō really that distracting?

“Are you going to pay?” Sasuke frowns.

“Are you three done eating?” Kakashi asks. He could not quite shake his surprise of not noticing the boy, but his mind is still stuck on Tenzō.

“I am. I don’t know about the other two. I was just making sure you weren’t going to run off.” Sasuke looks in the direction of Tenzō walking away. Sasuke must have saw him staring.

“I won’t.” Kakashi almost wished he did not make that promise of paying for their food, because there’s nothing he wants more than to go after Tenzō. He breathes in sharply, restraining his natural urge to gravitate towards his old kohai. Why was he feeling this way anyway? Nothing feels right anymore. He wants to talk to Tenzō, but to be honest, he did not know what he would even say if he approached the man. Talking to him was the most natural thing in the world, but now, everything in his life feels as if it is tilted - something is off.

“Who is that?” Sasuke watches Kakashi, his facial expression almost unreadable. If Kakashi could guess, he would assume Sasuke is confused... curious? He couldn’t tell.

“Just someone I know.” Kakashi finally rips his eyes away from the man and smiles down at Sasuke.

“I never pegged you for the type of guy to have friends.” Sasuke glances back at Tenzō. Kakashi deadpans once he fully processed the comment, or should he say insult? “Are you going to talk to him or just stare at him like a lost puppy?”

“I...” Kakashi freezes. What can he say? He wants to run after Tenzō, but nothing feels the same. Besides, if he leaves, the kids will probably get angry. Is it possible to pay and catch up to Tenzō?

“Or is he not your friend?” Sasuke raises an eyebrow. The boy is insinuating something, but what? Kakashi squints at him, somewhat understanding what Sasuke is trying to say but also praying that they are not thinking the same thing.

“What-”

“Whatever. I don’t care enough.” Sasuke rolls his eyes and jams his hands in his pockets. He scoffs before walking back into Ichiraku Ramen.

“Kakashi-Sensei, are you going to come pay!?” Naruto shouts and Kakashi sighs. He can talk to Tenzō another day.

————

The ugly gray clouds that covered the sky had finally cleared, letting the sun break through. The rain stopped, but puddles scatter everywhere.

The funeral came to a close and people dispersed in every direction. Kakashi nearly lost his students two or three times until Naruto grabbed onto his sleeve. He wants to tell Naruto that they do not need to stick together since there won’t be training today, but he accepts the boy wanting them to stick together til the end. Kakashi glances back noticing Iruka had already disappeared among the many faces in the crowd. Time is moving so slow that Naruto talking to Iruka feels like a day ago when Kakashi is fully aware that maybe a minute or two have passed. Today was exhausting, and it is still only morning.

Kakashi catches a glimpse of brunette hair and he nearly skids to a stop causing Naruto to stumble and fall back onto him.

Whipping around to glare at Kakashi, “Sensei, why did you stop!?” Naruto groans in an annoyed manner.

Kakashi did not bother to look at Naruto, let alone give him an answer. He wanted to find that person he swore he saw. If he was correct, it will be Tenzō that he finds. His eyes scan through everyone and finally lands on his Kohai. Surprisingly, a new reaction came from him in that moment. The naturalness and comfort he used to feel when he saw Tenzō’s face did not happen. Instead, his chest tightened to the point that he swears someone reached through his rib cage and squeezed his heart.

“Who are you looking at?” Naruto stands on his toes as if it would make a difference.

“Someone.”

“Ooooh, is it that girl with the purple hair?” Naruto snickers and jabs his finger in the general direction of the girl he was talking about. Kakashi quite possibly tunnel visioned when he saw who he was looking for, because he did not notice Yūgao talking to Tenzō. “She’s cute. Is she your type, Sensei?”

“No,” Kakashi snaps at Naruto, granted it was an unnecessary reaction since Naruto is just a kid, but the comment irked him. “I’m looking at the man talking to her.”

“Oh... OHHH, I get it now!” Naruto snickers once again, and Kakashi prepares himself for another comment that will most likely piss him off. “You’re checking out the competition! That guy is kind of bland. I’m sure she will like you over him.” Naruto crosses his arms and nods. Not particularly surprising, but Naruto’s conclusion is irritating.

“He’s not bland.”

He mentally kicks himself for being so bothered. It is all just a simple misunderstanding, but... why the hell did he care if Naruto calls Tenzō bland?

“Wait, are you... I didn’t expect you to swing that way, Sensei.” Naruto squints at him, and Kakashi rolls his eyes.

He does not swing that way. Kakashi should know. He is Kakashi after all. But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to immediately deny the statement. Would this be why he wants to talk to Tenzō? Because... he has a crush on his kohai? No way. Kakashi Hatake does not get crushes. Love is too complicated and relationships are even worse. How would he manage his life if he dated Tenzō?

Wait, why the hell would he be thinking about dating Tenzō? He does not like him in that way.

“Is he your boyfriend or something?” Naruto nudges him, but the gesture was almost jarring. Kakashi’s thoughts were going a little too fast to be distracted.

“No, he’s not.” Kakashi grasps for words in his mind that will sound coherent without blurting out the only thing spinning in his head. “He is just a friend.” The words stung on his tongue. Why would admitting the truth hurt so much?

_‘Do I like Tenzō?’_

————

Kakashi groans while fumbling with his keys in an angered fit. There are probably fifteen billion things that he is mad at, but the thing that is just killing him is the mere fact that he blew up on Tenzō. He does not have his genin team anymore which made him feel more alone than he initially expected, and to make matters worse is that he no longer fits in with the Jōnin Sensei either. He has no one to turn to anymore, but he thought Tenzō would be there.

How foolish can he be? How could he not notice how long it has actually been since he talked to Tenzō? Years have passed, and he did not even notice. It almost feels like yesterday that he was resting under a tree next to a young Tenzō. What a stupid thing to believe. That Tenzō he remembers was not even twenty or just barely, but the man he saw in the bar... he was grown.

Kakashi drops his keys and nearly kicks his door in frustration. He did not understand why he is so angry, but his insides are melting and he just wants to disappear. He swipes his keys off the ground and successfully jams the correct key into the doorknob. He flings himself inside, slamming the door behind him in a childish fit.

“Dammit,” he whispers under his breath. Oh, how much he wishes he could scream to burn off all this anger, but pissing off all his neighbors in his apartment complex would just inevitably drive him insane.

He storms down the hallway with his hands balled into fists. The walls are all just a little too close, and his world is on a tilt. Everything is out of place, and nothing is right.

Kakashi lost Tenzō. He lost his best friend. He lived so long thinking that he the only way to lose a best friend was death. He could not bring himself to believe this entire time that he was losing Tenzō too, but in a different way. It hurt. It possibly hurt just as much as losing Obito.

Obito did not leave this world hating him, but Tenzō... Tenzō is alive and living his life without him in it. This is wrong. This is so fucking wrong it kills him.

Kakashi stands frozen in his room unable to think properly. What can he do? Would it be wrong to go running back and apologize? Even if he apologized, could that guarantee their friendship can somehow be fixed?

He drags his eye over to the picture frame that used to hold the photo of him with Tenzō. The frame now shows his new team of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. He could not remember when he changed the picture or why, but to be reminded of it made his heart sink. It seems he too managed to move on without noticing.

He sits down onto his bed and grabs the picture frame. He slowly opens it up, letting the entire thing fall apart on his lap. He picks up the picture that sat behind his new team photo in that frame for only God knows how long.

Tenzō’s smile was so genuine back then, and he was so much smaller. Kakashi noticed that Tenzō is about the same size as him now, but it did not particularly make him happy. He barely noticed before how much taller his kohai has gotten. His voice deepened, his shoulders broadened, and he aged. Kakashi could say the same thing about himself though, but he never once thought physical changes meant anything. For some reason, tonight, those changes do mean something. It means time has passed and they’re not teen boys. They are grown men with their own lives and... have sadly grown apart.

They have both changed in more ways than one, and a thought finally dawns on him. Would Tenzō be happier without Kakashi in his life? All signs point to yes judging how the events of tonight transpired.

————

Plummeted into darkness, but this did not feel the same. Dread did not feel to be at every unseeable corner. Yes, there was something different about this. Kakashi could tell that he was lying down on something soft, but he could not figure out what. A bed maybe? As strange as it may be, he did not feel a lick of anxiety that normally took hold of him when trapped here. He reaches out into the abyss wondering if anything will swallow him whole or if he was already eaten. He ponders for a moment if his eyes are even open or closed, it was impossible to tell.

A touch, warm but gentle, presses against Kakashi’s bare back and slides to his hip. This sensation was alarming, and definitely something he was not used to. He reaches down to touch a hand gripped onto his side. Before he could speak, the hand swiftly runs its fingers up his stomach and to his chest.

Sucking in air, he holds in a moan clawing up his throat. He rolls over and grabs a sharp jaw line dying to pull the unknown person in. His eyes closed or open, he could not tell, leaves him blind to his surroundings while his body accepts the pleasure coursing through him.

“Senpai,” a husky voice whispers into his ear and he trembles at the sound.

Kakashi hesitates for a moment letting his paranoia get the best of him. He cannot see but he knew that voice. It pulled him in like siren calls with no escape. Losing his will to fight against the darkness that may be his own demise, he lets it take hold of him, letting him sink deeper and deeper into the lowest depths of the ocean.

“Tenzō,” Kakashi moans while he pushes himself further up against Tenzō’s body. Kakashi’s hands are wandering aggressively, dying to feels every muscle on the man’s body.

“I missed you,” Tenzō whispers again.

A bite on his ear made Kakashi groan. This is just too much. He might just die from euphoria. Tenzō touching him like this might be his one and only weakness that he is too ashamed to admit, but right now, the only thing that mattered was this. Oh, how foolish he has been to not realize sooner. Kakashi blindly kisses Tenzō, moaning against his lips praying this will never end.

Tenzō pulls back and speaks softly, “open your eyes, Senpai.” The request was simple yet so demanding. It took him back for a second to think that he might have had his eyes closed this entire time and the darkness did not exist.

That put him on edge. If the darkness did not exist, did Tenzō exist? The thought of pausing for a single moment to prove this was all real made Kakashi whine in frustration, but his longing to finally see Tenzō made the decision rather easy.

Kakashi opens his eyes, and he is staring directly at Pakkun’s frowning face. Within a fraction of a second, he jumps out of mere shock and goes sliding off the bed onto the ground with a loud ‘thud’.

“What were you dreaming about, Boss?” Pakkun peers down at him from the bed with a smug look and his tail wagging. It was like he already knew exactly what was going on inside Kakashi’s sleeping head before receiving an answer.

“Nothing,” annoyance laced into the word, Kakashi groans while rubbing his elbow that seems to had hit the floor first and took on his weight.

“Didn’t sound like nothing. You were talking in your sleep.” Pakkun hops off the bed making loud clicking noises from his nails hitting the floorboards and pads over to his master. “You alright, Boss?”

“Yeah, I...” Kakashi blinks rapidly in an effort to wake up a bit. “I just had a strange dream.” At least it was not unpleasant.

Kakashi drags himself up off the floor in a half sleep daze. The blinking did not quite jumpstart his brain, but it was enough to get him to rationalize that staying on the floor was a tad odd. Pakkun does not respond to Kakashi’s answer but he still gives a understanding nod.

Dragging his feet down the hall, Kakashi settles into the bathroom for a quick shower, and possibly a cold one to keep the thought of his dream at bay. He turns the nobs to the water with an annoyingly screeching sound permeating his ears. He groans at the noise and decides to lean against the counter debating on if he should just let the water warm up.

The dream will probably replay in his head all day no matter what he does, but it was rather alarming to have such thoughts about Tenzō. Yeah, he might have accepted the small crush he had formed on the man now that he is grown and more mature, but he did not ever consider being physical with him. The subconscious plays with the mind in strange ways, and is successfully causing some... sexual frustration.

“Senpai,” Tenzō’s voice echoes in his head as if convincing him to think further into his fantasies.

Kakashi aggressively turns the hot water off and starts ripping his clothes off. “No, I’m not going to think about this.” He jumps in with his teeth grit.

The cold shower did the trick and made him incapable of focusing on anything but making the shower as quick as he possibly can. As far as he knew, he has no plans for the day, so maybe going off to train can keep his mind focused on everything else but Tenzō. He heads out, barely looking back at Pakkun, “I’ll be out for a bit,” and shuts the door.

He was not in an a hurry to get to his destination even if he wants to distract himself, so he only walks with a steady pace. Of course, he had many questions for himself, but barely any answers. Did he really like Tenzō that much? Their relationship has practically died after their argument many months ago, and he honestly did not think about the man as of late. No, he doesn’t like Tenzō like that. He probably just needs to let off some steam.

He jams his hands in his pockets, still deep in thought. He starts weighing his options on what to do about his... predicament. Swallowing his pride and approaching Tenzō was an option, but apologies and what not were never his thing. Ignoring it was the most appealing idea among all of them. He can probably find someone to pick up at the bar tonight if worst comes to worst.

He lets out a long sigh unable to think straight. None of this made sense, but anyone else would probably say that him dwelling on such a dream was the thing that didn’t make sense. Everyone has deep... repressed feelings about someone, right? Even if they have not really talked in a long time too? Yep, normal.

Halting his thoughts, Kakashi senses someone following him. Before he can fully turn around, Gai was in the air performing one of his signature kicks. Kakashi blocks the kick without a second thought and goes to grab onto Gai, but Gai jumps back with a smug grin spreading across his face.

“Nothing gets passed you, Kakashi!” Gai rests his hands on his hips acting more triumphant than really necessary. Gai takes large steps towards him, removing his hands from his hips to slam them down on Kakashi’s shoulders. “Come on, how about a race around the village on our hands today!? What do you say, Ka-ka-shi!?”

Kakashi ponders the idea for possibly only half a second before declining the offer, “Not today, Gai.” It can be a great distraction to make his indecent thoughts of his old ANBU teammate not dance around his head so profusely, but he also just really wants to be alone.

“Hmm, something else then, my dear rival!?” Nearly yelling, Gai shakes Kakashi by his shoulders like a rag doll.

It has been a learned skill to pry Gai off of him in times likes these, and nearly a habit to do so. This situation won’t be any different. Kakashi shoves Gai’s hands quickly. Speed is key for getting away from this man anyway. He repeats himself and tries to walk around the excited man, “Not today, Gai.”

Already planning an escape route, Kakashi looks over to his right and his brain comes to a stop. His eyes lock on to the very man he has been dying to see, but also avoiding for as long as he could.

Tenzō stares back at him appearing more tired than usual and his arm in a sling. Kakashi’s old habit of wanting to protect his kohai made his thoughts go haywire seeing Tenzō injured. Kakashi’s body has a mind of its own and takes a step towards Tenzō, but his former teammate reacts in a way Kakashi would have never expected.

Tenzō reels back as his face contorts into something similar to fear, and within seconds he’s completely gone. He ran away, and Kakashi could only stand there completely dumbfounded and heartbroken.

Kakashi finally understands. He finally has an answer as to why he only catches glimpses of Tenzō. It seems so clear now. Tenzō does not like him anymore. Kakashi’s chest tightens feeling part of his life shatter around him. He lost another best friend and he has no idea what to do.

Tenzō is happier without Kakashi.

————

Naruto finally has returned to the village and Kakashi is elated. He got his students back, and more importantly, those two passed the bell test. Granted it took over night with no sleep, but they succeeded nonetheless.

Sakura had to leave to go help her mother with something that Kakashi does not care to remember, and left him with Naruto. Not particularly a bad situation since he wanted to catch up with his knucklehead ninja student, but damn, he really wanted to run off and finish reading his new book.

With very little protest, if at all, Kakashi and Naruto find their way to Ichiraku ramen. Kakashi assumed Naruto would want to go here with Iruka, but he did not want to really question it. It did not matter to him really.

Judging by the rising sun, it is probably around 7AM. Ramen is not his usual breakfast meal either. Oh well. It is not everyday he gets to see Naruto again.

Kakashi yawns as the old man and Naruto talk for a bit. They seem to be buzzing with excitement. Kakashi must not be the only person excited for Naruto’s return.

“You have grown so much, Naruto! What’s next? You gonna bring your wife and kids in one day?” The old man laughs from behind the counter.

“Oh, I don’t know. I probably won’t get married for a while, so you don’t have to worry about that.” A light blush blooming on his cheeks, Naruto scratches the back of his head awkwardly.

The old man laughs in response and returns to cooking, thus leaving Kakashi and Naruto to talk. Kakashi can see Naruto looking his way with a questioning expression appearing to be waiting for some type of response.

“So, uh Kakashi Sensei, speaking of marriage, are you married? I realized that I didn’t even know that.” Naruto keeps his gaze on his Sensei clearly wanting an answer.

A simple answer of no would be easy to say, but Kakashi has a bad feeling this question is a trap into opening up about his personal life and well, that’s not a thing he is willing to share still.

“Hmm, why do you want to know about me? I thought we were going to catch up on your adventures with Jiraiya-sama.” Kakashi could pat himself on the back with how well he evaded that question, but it might be too early to celebrate.

“Oh, come on. You gotta have someone right since you’re not willing to answer?” Naruto snickers, nudging him annoyingly. “Is she pretty?”

Kakashi had to try his hardest to resist an eye roll. He supposed just admitting there is no someone is easier than lying. Humoring the kid sounds fun slightly, but the odds of it biting him in the ass later is just too great. Naruto is older and probably not as easy to fool anyway.

“I’m not married. I haven’t really been in a relationship for awhile either if you were expecting anything.” Kakashi inches away slightly but leans forward trying to hide his automatic need to escape this conversation before it continues. “Is... is it a problem that I am not with anyone?”

Naruto cocks his head to the side, blinking momentarily, “Well, no. I was just curious.” Naruto squints at him clearly conjuring another question. “Do you... um how do I say this?” He pauses to scratch his cheek before continuing. “Do you have any experience dating? Cause um... since I’m getting older... I’ll probably get a girlfriend and I don’t really... know how all of it works. I asked Pervy Sage before, but it’s all about hooks ups. Like I want to have a long-term thing, you know?”

This question is probably something Kakashi never in his life prepared for let alone give an answer to Naruto, his Sensei’s son. This was definitely a dad like question, and as honored as he should feel, he is floundering. After an extremely long pause that couldn’t be any more uncomfortable than it already is, Kakashi coughs into his hand trying to kill the silence.

“Umm well, uh... where do I even start? Is there a girl you already have in mind?”

“No, not really,” Naruto puts his hand to his chin. “I just want to have an idea on what to expect when the time comes, I suppose.”

“Well, um... why haven’t you asked Iruka? I’m sure he would have a better answer than me.” Kakashi felt like he was trying to bat away everything Naruto said, and he might just die trying.

“Iruka-Sensei... mmm he doesn’t have much experience with girls... at all.” He mumbles while staring forward waiting for his ramen still. Kakashi is almost considering to pray for the ramen to be ready faster. It has only been five minutes since he has sat down, but this might be one of the longest five minutes of his life.

“Why would you think I would?” Kakashi answers a little too fast without much thought put into what he just said and he is certain this response will be the death of him. Naruto knowing he has little to no experience with women is something he never wanted held over his head, but here he is feeling as if he stepped into a bear trap. He adjusts himself and rests his elbow on the table in an effort to appear relaxed. “I mean why would you want to ask me?”

Naruto frowns making it a bit more difficult to tell if he is confused or disappointed.

“Well, you’re Kakashi-Sensei? Yeah, you’re weird and can be kind of a jerk but you’re cool and smart? I expected a lot of women being interested in you...” He slouches appearing to be defeated by some conclusion that Kakashi has no idea about.

“I guess I see your point, but I have never looked for a relationship so I don’t have much experience,” he pauses for a second, “I’m sorry, Naruto.”

“Mmm,” Naruto’s expression changes, a small smile seeming to grow across his cheeks. “You gotta have some experience, right? You never had anyone you fell in love with?”

Ah, well, a question like that Kakashi does have experience with. Dating may not be his forte, but falling in love, he has had his own share of heart breaks. Currently, there is still someone who weighs on his mind at times and is his most recent love interest. This person has no knowledge of his feelings though, and he would rather keep it that way until he is over them.

“Kakashi-Sensei?”

“Oh, uh... doesn’t everyone love someone at some point?” Kakashi is aware this is a poor response to his student’s question, and he really did not care at this point. He would rather not admit his feelings to Naruto.

“What is it like?”

“What?”

“What is it like to love someone like be in love?”

“Uh, well...” He sighs. He has to think before speaking, but mostly, he has to think about Tenzō.

He struggles for a moment to figure out how to explain what it’s like to be in love. What can he say? Tenzō was home to him. Tenzō was comfort and support when he needed it. He was the voice in the dark that kept him going. He was one of the reasons he got up in the morning. He was... everything.

_What is Tenzō now?_

“They were everything to me, but sometimes those feelings don’t last.” He slouches forward. “I hope one day you find someone that is everything to you, and stays that way.”

————

Nothing prepared him for this day. Not a single damn thing. He spent days in the hospital expecting someone else, literally anyone else that was not the man that walked in. Tsunade has called this man Yamato, and warned him before that he will be the new captain to Team 7 and most likely will stay part of the team once Kakashi was no longer bed ridden.

Of course, this name did not ring a bell to him. Kakashi is aware of a lot of ninja in the village, and it irked him to no end to have no idea who this Yamato person was. He believed it was almost a necessity that he knew who would be taking over his team in his absence. Tsunade only told him that he will be someone important to the team. Like that helps any.

It all made sense when that man step foot into his hospital room though. The entire thing seemed almost unreal. Every single sign in the world could have pointed at Tenzō, but Kakashi ignored all of them. Tenzō is Tenzō. Yamato is someone else. But he had no clue how to react to the fact that Yamato is Tenzō.

Tenzō... no, Yamato smiled at him and everything he did was overly robotic to him. Surely, Kakashi cannot be the only one to notice how stiff Yamato is. The man looked like he was ready to bolt out the door any second, but Kakashi could relate except his nearest exit was the window. How much trouble would he get in if he just... ran away from this situation?

Enough that kept him planted in his bed and putting on the fakest show in the world that he did not really know Yamato at all.

He managed to sit through everything that Tsunade and Jiraiya wanted to discuss that had to do with the nine tails and Naruto. The pieces fell together quickly on how important Te- Yamato will be to the team. He might be the only person fit for the job of leader to Team 7, more so than Kakashi.

Tsunade, Shizune, and Jiraiya slipped out of the room leaving Kakashi and Yamato alone. Kakashi glances over at Yamato who seems to be staring out the window. He appeared unwilling to speak, but Kakashi did not exactly have anything he wanted to say either. 

This is awkward.

“I should probably head out as well.” Yamato takes a small step back.

Kakashi locks his jaw for a few seconds in an attempt to calm his nerves. He did not want to appear needy nor did he really want to show that he cared, but mentally preparing himself to simply act this way is more difficult than he expected. Tenzō clearly did not and does not want anything to do with him, and it is rather painful to remember all over again.

“If you wish,” Kakashi turns away trying to hide his face. Tenzō... Yamato can read him like a book and this nonchalant attitude will melt away the second his face is revealed. He reaches for his Make Out Tactics book and sets it on his lap to make him hiding his face not look strange.

Kakashi is positive what he is about to say will most likely be a mistake. His heart is pounding in his ears and he slides his thumb along the spine of his book. He had no preparation for this. Not enough time to go over anything in his head or practice in front of a mirror, but he needs to do something. Kakashi knows that, almost painfully so. If only this was easier.

“Tenzō,” he slowly forced himself to look up at the man and his heart gets lodged into his throat. Tenzō did not look much different, just shorter hair and a tad more masculine and filled out, and yet, Kakashi went blank for a few seconds. He could not remember what on Earth he was about to say.

He almost feels like a child. He is mentally throwing a tantrum at how everything has changed. How could this man be the very thing that made him feel safe, be the same damned person that makes him want to jump out the fucking window. If they just never stopped talking to each other, if they just never avoided each other, if... would they be fine right now?

His lips move, speaking without a coherent thought, “Since we will most likely have to work together again, do you think it’ll be a good idea if we stop avoiding each other?”

“W-We?”

“Yes, as in we are both avoiding each other. I’m not stupid.”

“I... didn’t know you were avoiding me.” Tenzō takes another step back.

It took everything for Kakashi to not reach out and grab Tenzō so he won’t retreat, but he forces his hands to fidget with his book to keep them occupied. He cracks the books open to a random page trying to keep himself calm.

“Oh, well... maybe I shouldn’t have assumed.” Why is it so difficult to keep himself together? He flips through the pages and evens his breathing. He can’t back out of this. He is most certain he can’t. He has to see this conversation to the end.

“Why?” Tenzō’s voice cracks pulling Kakashi’s attention back towards him.

The action was the most natural thing in the world. Hearing Tenzō like that was the equivalent of hundred punches to the gut, but it did not compare to his face. Kakashi would have never looked at him if knew what he was going to see. Hell, he would have never said anything.

Tenzō’s frown dipped and something about his eyes just made Kakashi’s stomach twist. The man looked like he was about to cry, but Kakashi knows Tenzō. That man would never cry, not in front of him anyway. God. He messed up. It’s no surprise that he makes yet another mistake in his life, but damn.

_Why did it hurt so fucking much?_

“We aren’t the same anymore. I’m not the same anymore.” Kakashi whispers. He wants to kick himself for such a half ass answer, but his brain is unable to think of anything else.

“Did I do something wrong?” Tenzō’s voice cracks again but his expression changes to something along the lines of frustration and embarrassment.

He didn’t want this. Kakashi never wanted this. He just wants Tenzō back. He wants his Tenzō back. Why is this hard?

“No, you didn’t. I just did not think the new me would make you happier.” Kakashi grips the sheets covering his legs and resists his urge to drop his head in defeat. “I thought you would be happier if I was not in the picture. We don’t relate to each other like we used to. It took me awhile to realize that I didn’t know you anymore, but when I finally figured it out... I had to leave.”

Kakashi would never admit to counting the exact number of seconds until Tenzō responded, but it took 126 seconds for Tenzō to speak.

“You not being in my life didn’t particularly make me feel better.”

Huh?

“Oh,” Kakashi blinks at him. “Then why were you avoiding me?”

“I uh...” Tenzō frowns and looks around the room awkwardly before continuing, “I thought that since ANBU made you worse... seeing me wouldn’t make you happy, so I stayed away because I wanted you to get better.”

It took what? Five years to get an actual answer as to why Tenzō was avoiding him and this was the big reveal? It did not piece together right at all. Tenzō was the only thing good that he got out of being in ANBU. How on Earth did Tenzō simply think that him leaving would be good?

It did not make sense. Kakashi can probably admit that and he is sure, judging by Tenzō’s facial expression that he is surely figuring that out at this very moment. But damn, the entire thing sounded like such a... Tenzō thing to do. It was almost laughable.

It’s actually hilarious and sad at the same time. Kakashi wants to be mad because of the heart break he has felt for so long, he really really does, but Tenzō was doing something with arguably good intentions.

Okay, it was a little funny at how bad this all went. Tenzō definitely did not make him happy leaving him alone. On the other hand, Kakashi realized some things about himself in Tenzō’s absence like the fact that he has a crush on him who is a man, but those details can probably be spared for now.

Kakashi goes to speak, but he ends up snorting when his laughter finally kicked in. A piss poor effort to cover his laughter, he covers his mouth to muffle the sound but Tenzō is staring daggers at him. This is the worst reaction to have, and the last thing Kakashi wanted was for Tenzō to be mad at him now that he can finally talk to him.

“What’s so funny?” Tenzō is clearly annoyed, but his reaction is too cute. Kakashi had to repress his urge to tease him just to get another reaction like that. Hell, he might die if Tenzō continues this act because it’s adorable.

“It’s just that...” Kakashi contains himself at last and smiles. “We both thought being away from each other would make us happy, but it didn’t.”

This for some reason left Tenzō gaping at him. Was he seriously shocked?

Kakashi shifts a tad to face Tenzō more before continuing, “You know, ANBU was not great, but seeing you doesn’t make me upset about it. Actually, you are the only good thing that came out of it which makes me not regret joining ANBU.” He takes in a deep breath and breathes out trying to calm himself. Confessing this made his anxiety a little out of control. Talking about his feelings has never been easy for him, and it sure as hell won’t be easy now. “Those days were hell, but I had you. You reminded me that I wasn’t alone. That made things not as bad as they could have been.”

His face feels hot after saying all that and his heart is pounding against his chest. It is not like he admit to everything, but his heart is acting like he did. He scratches the back of his head nervously, praying that he does not look as embarrassed as he feels.

“I think… that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Really?” Kakashi fails to hide his surprise to Tenzō’s response when his eyebrow shot up involuntarily.

“Yeah, actually.” Tenzō pauses for a few seconds, “Urm, I know I said I should head out, but would it be alright if I stick around a little longer? There is a lot I want to talk to you about.”

“Yeah, I would like that.” Kakashi smiles and sets his book back down to the side. He almost wishes he talked to Tenzō sooner, but he is fine with this. Starting over won’t be the worst thing in the world as long as he has him back in his life. Maybe he can admit his feelings later on, dating might not be the scariest thing in the world if it’s with Tenzō. Of course, he is willing to wait and he does not plan on losing him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I forgot to put an author’s note on this chapter. I was so tired I must have just posted it. Happier is complete so I will most likely be only working on Please Stay until that is complete just so you guys know of my kakayama projects!

**Author's Note:**

> I really was going to go for a two shot, but when I finally got to the end, I decided to keep it the way it is. I may or may not change my mind and continue on, but for now, I want to say this work is complete. I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for reading!


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